keep it together

Back to real life after a fantastic long weekend and I have to say I’m still exhausted. Last night I skipped my support meeting because a friend of mine agreed to go for a walk with me … I have to say I had a great walk workout. I actually did 11,000+ steps for the day which is rare for me and I’m feeling a bit tired today from that. On top of that I have a gym workout today that I kind of want to skip out on but I will not. I made plans with a friend which usually helps out a lot, I can honestly say I am not accountable to myself as I should be but when I have a friend waiting I am more likely to hit the gym even if I don’t want to.

I feel that even when I have the time I’m afraid to let myself relax, almost like if I lose the grip of the control I currently have my life, my health and my sanity will collapse. I know it’s not logical or rational but sometimes feelings are not ether of those things. I don’t know how many times I’ve said to friends ‘oh you should take a day’ or ‘relax and enjoy this time’ but do I take my own advice? Um NO! It’s tough for me to take it easy on myself because I feel like I’ve been taking it easy for so long and it’s the reason why I packed on the pounds, now is the time to be assertive, strong and take my power back. I’m tired of taking crap from people and have others walk all over me, I want to be free to say NO to people and sometimes it’s tough because I want everyone to be happy. When do I let myself be happy, it can’t be only twice a year on a long weekend. I will go insane and any efforts I’m making will not matter, I realize we are ALL tired but I’m not in charge of ALL, I shouldn’t have to worry about other people and their happiness .. it’s tough enough to keep it together for myself.

Keep it together is also tough, it’s like trying to avoid something that is always with you, it takes away all your energy … more so than dealing with it. Every time I avoid feeling whatever it is that I am feeling it winds up costing me so much not only emotionally but physically as well since I tend to over eat. If I can’t take on my own emotions how can I cope with everyone else around me? So is keeping it together really the best option? I would love to have the capability to feel my emotions, understand what it all means, resolve any issues I have about it and move on to a happier life.

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